Written by Mary Katherine
I know you are confused right now because Mommy has a wet face. You keep saying “boo boo” and kissing my knee, and I just sit here in the rocking chair cradling my stomach.
Thank you for that little car, kiddo. It really does make my heart smile. It’s just that right now the smiles aren’t breaking through. And yes, I will take that blanket. Blankets really do make a difference, don’t they?
Please don’t worry. Mommy isn’t hurt. Nothing is your fault and there is nothing wrong with me. It’s just sometimes, for reasons she can’t explain, Mommy gets sad.
You know how every morning we walk out on to the front porch and talk about the weather? You point at the sun and smile. And we talk about things. Things like…
Today is sunny. Today is warm. Today is windy. Today is rainy.
You understand, don’t you?
Well, today is dark, baby.
I can’t hide my feelings from you, but I also feel guilt over your concern. I can see that you are confused and it makes my heart hurt even more. But what can I do? Where can I go? Please just play with your toys and let me cry.
But you want to be held. And you need a snack. And your diaper is wet. And Mickey Mouse is a terrible babysitter.
I don’t resent you having these needs. I feel so blessed that you are here in my life. On the contrary, I resent myself for struggling with such basic motherhood.
I’m tired, but Mommy doesn’t need a nap. My heart hurts, but Mommy doesn’t need a bandaid. My tummy feels hollow, but Mommy doesn’t need a snack.
You see, Mommy has everything she could want and possibly need. I have you, the center of my heart, the reason my smile will break through, eventually.
But today I feel like a failure and I just can’t do it.
I’m here, and I love you. I’m sorry. I really, really love you.
But today, Mommy is sad.