I Almost Lost My Marriage to a Kid and a Dirty House 

By Andrea Napiontek

“I love you…but I’m not in love with you. I don’t think I want to be married to you anymore.”

And like a blow to the head with a metal bat, life as I knew it forever changed that day with those few words. As I stood on the front porch of our home, a monument to the hopes and dreams we’d worked for the past 10 years, I realized it was all about to change. 

In my mind, the world was about to end. 

My head got cloudy, my throat tightened, tears fell uncontrollably down my face and I begged–pleaded–for this to NOT be the answer. 

But it was. In that moment it was his answer. Nothing I could do was going to change that. 

Even though I felt like all hope was lost that day, the world didn’t stop.  I didn’t die. I walked around almost 4 months feeling like an empty shell of my old self. 

I saw friends and family living life as they always had. Some never knowing what was really going on behind my fake smile. But the real me? I was just going through the motions. I was staying strong for our children.

You know that quote that says, “You never know how strong you are until you have no choice but to be?” 

Yea, that was me. 

So I did the only thing I knew to do: I prayed.

I prayed HARD every day during those 4 months. I prayed for God to take the hurt out of me and fill it with His love. I prayed for my husband who had become a stranger to me. I prayed for God to soften his heart and for positive communication to start flowing back between us. 

At this point it was real. We were there. We had attorneys. We talked custody. We talked child support and visitation. We went back and forth with each other fighting blood, sweat and tears. 

I can tell you my friend: You DO NOT want this. 

My family was ripped apart in every form imaginable. But my storm didn’t end with destruction. I was one of the lucky ones who got a rainbow. 

Remember those prayers? They worked. 

On a Sunday afternoon at the ball field, my husband and I talked. We even shared a laugh or two. Despite all the heated phone calls, jabs from our attorneys, and endless headaches we’d caused each other…sitting on those bleachers, watching our son play ball, talking like friends…it just felt right and we both knew it. 

That next day we texted one another and admitted what we both knew. And that rainbow started to peek through the heavy storm clouds that had been lingering over us for months. 

The final decision? We were going to try to pick up the pieces and work through this. Together. 

I’m happy to report that things are better than ever and we are growing and, more importantly, learning from the past everyday. 

It’s only now I can look back and answer that question I had during those 4 gruesome months: How in the world did we get to this? 

The answer? Life happened. 

We became mom and dad. We got careers. We became less of those crazy college kids in love and more of work, kids, eat, sleep, repeat people. We were more like roommates than husband and wife. 

I’m here to tell you now: That’s not what we are called to be.

You have to make time for your relationship and yourself. Go on dates with your spouse, find a common interest and explore it with friends, sit and watch Netflix after the kids go to bed alone, DO SOMETHING to keep yourself sane and keep that spark in your marriage. Do it for him, do it for some girl time, do it for yourself. 

However you justify it, just do it.

Don’t lose your identity or your marriage to a five year old, a dirty house, and a diploma.

 

About the Author: Andrea is a homeschooling, stay-at-home mommy of two handsome little guys, one cat, and a lab (who thinks he’s one of the boys). In her past life, Andrea was an elementary teacher/school counselor, but thanks to someone greater than her (and a 3rd handsome guy at the house)…she walked away from that life and hasn’t looked back.

About The Author


MomBabble

Mary Katherine is a southerner, born and raised. Growing up in Alabama, she developed an affinity for lightning bugs, sweet tea, playing guitar, and having strong opinions. She's happily married with a son (Nugget) and two fur babies. Fun facts: MK is a living kidney donor, speaks a little Thai, and has written two novels.

8 Comments

  1. We can get caught up in the busyness of life leading to only dealing with the business of life. Sometimes we have to remember that we are people too. So glad you found your way back. I think many with small children can relate to you. I know I sure can.

  2. Andrea the word “roommate”struck an emotional chord because thats what I’ve told my husband I feel we are. Just two roomates feeding kids, sleeping, working and repeat. After 5 years of marriage, not only do I not love my husband but I can actually begin to hate him. The hate is fueled by actions and non actions which make me feel unloved. I know neither of us will ever seek divorce, or at until the kids are grown and gone. I have definately lost myself in this monotony of marriage and motherhood. I feel depressed because I think “is this how its going to be until death do us part?”. And I’m counting down the days until I’m done breastfeeding so I can go back on my prozac and feel nothing. But your post gives me hope that I have not felt in the therapy or other countless efforts we tried to resusitate this uncounscious marriage. Prayer is powerful and I am a Christian woman. Your story gives me hope that my husband and I will find the love we once had and hopfully I don’t have to go through this marriage medicated and emotionally numb. Thank you Andrea for having the courage and faith to believe in prayer. Best to you.

  3. Monica,

    Now that I am finished crying in my bedroom floor…I just wish I could give you a big hug!! I can honestly say I understand everything you just wrote. I’ve been there and it SUCKS. It’s not fun, it’s not fair, and that’s NOT the way it is suppose to be. For us, it took being at the brink of about to completely lose everything to see how important it all really was. When we filed to stop all the proceedings…we were only 2-3 months away from our court date.

    For us, it was all about being open and honest. We had to fight and cry and say to each other every.single.thing we had ever wanted to say. We had to put down these walls we’d built with each other and get back to that place where we were just best friends talking…not passing roommates. We had to realize that we (husband/wife) had to be OK before we could be good as mom and dad. If we weren’t OK…nothing at our house was OK because we are the foundation everything else was built on. We had to realize the importance of making time for ourselves, which is definitely hard when there are kids involved.

    We now make an attempt to have at least one date night a month. The other nights, we play board games, watch Netflix, look at silly stuff online, etc…after the kids have gone to bed. Just to give ourselves that “Us” time we needed and were missing before.

    We were also bad about not doing anything for ourselves which contributed to our “run down” feelings. We both are trying to make ourselves to things alone or with friends to fulfill that need to do something alone or for ourselves.

    We did read two books I would recommend. They are both by Gary Chapman:

    The Four Seasons of Marriage
    The Five Love Languages

    They both helped us to see that one, we are not alone and two, how to communicate better.

    If you ever want to talk more or I can help in any way you can email me at : amnapiontek@gmail.com. Big hugs to you and I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

  4. Thank you for sharing your story. Me and my husband were in the same place just 4 short months ago. I worked full time and he didn’t work much because work was slow (he’s in construction). Between work and taking care of the kids I felt unloved, unappreciated and more like we were room mates and not husband and wife. I actually told him I wanted a divorce. We both cried and laid everything we were and have been feeling out in the open. We are better now… not fully ‘fixed’ but working on it. I have high hopes that we will be able to work through this and move forward in our marriage. It makes me feel so much better to know that we are not alone and we are not the only couple that has gone through this.

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