by Mary Katherine Backstrom
1) Your YMCA membership is used solely for the childcare (hot showers and alone time).
2) Formula or breast milk ever ended up in your coffee. (Yes, EW. Not on purpose.)
3) You pretend you need to poop so you can have a Potty-cation in silence.
3b) You think a Potty-cation sounds like the best 5 minutes of your day.
4) You have sensual daydreams about the comfort of your bed.
5) You aren’t sure which meal you want because it’s halfway between dinner and breakfast.
6) You fall asleep in the shower. Laying down.
7) You fall asleep in line at Target. Standing up.
8) Your visits to grandmas look like a hot potato handoff. “Here’s the baby, where’s the bed?”
9) If you won a million dollars, you would buy sleep. Only sleep.
10) Whenever people ask what you want for Christmas/birthday/anniversary/Monday, your first response is “sleep”. When that earns you a laugh, you begrudgingly accept gift cards for coffee.
11) You lose your coffee in the microwave. Six times a day.
12) Sometimes you laugh so hard you cry. Then you actually decide to cry. Then nobody knows what the heck just happened.
13) You aren’t sure if those black spots are bugs on the wall or just your eyes quitting on you after 48 hours of sleeplessness.
14) You swat at the bugs/spots just to be sure they aren’t real. The Target checkout lady seems concerned, but you don’t care.
17) Huh? Wait, what? What were we talking about?
18) No, I wasn’t sleeping I was just resting my eyes.
19) You are always hungry but never really hungry because all you do is graze throughout the day.
20) Concealer is swallowed up by the black(hole) bags beneath your eyes.
21) You know exactly how long it’s been since you slept by the age of your oldest child.
22) Your favorite person is the one who lets you take a nap. They have no idea how much you passionately love them.(The word soulmates comes to mind.)
23) You feel rage toward anyone who brags about sleep, sleeps in front of you, or who even has the nerve to seem well-rested.
24) “Sleep when the baby sleeps” makes you want to punch somebody.
25) You just finished reading this but your brain was on auto-pilot and you have no idea what it said.